The Tale Of the Sterile Dingley

Do you know how some people have an alter ego? This is not my alter ego. Do you know how gang life chooses you? Sterile Dingley chose me.

When I was a kid, there was this one time that I climbed this tree with a wood block, hammer, and some nails so that I could hammer it into the tree so that I would have a step.  Kids now, they’ll be  like, “I can’t get up this tree, I’m going to go play video games,” but I didn’t have anything else to do, so I was trying to get this shit done.

So I stepped on this piece of wood and I went to step on a branch that was cut off, but I’m not sure where my other foot was because it wasn’t on that branch, so the piece of wood with the nails came out of the tree and I just nutted myself. I’m just stuck on this bitch and I didn’t tell my parents because I was ashamed — I didn’t tell anybody. So that was the first time. I think there have only been three encounters with Sterile Dingley so far. Goddamn, I can’t take anymore.

So I really look up to Darryl Stingley — I think he’s really a fucking dope ass athlete. I love watching him move and aspire to move similarly. Not necessarily the same movements, it’s just like his power and technique. I was doing this line that was heavily inspired by Darryl and in one part of it was this plyo to pole cat. It was probably 4 or 5 feet off of the ground where my feet hit the pole, or I guess where my torso it the pole. One of the times, I messed up my footing for the plyo, so I was focused on that, and when I went for the cat, my foot just slipped off the side, and I bear-hugged the fucking pole as I basically did a fireman slide down with my nuts. And below, there were these large bolts, and there was just nothing I could have done. Luckily, I was in the right spot so it only got my cheeks instead of my butt hole because that would have ended the whole sesh. I probably would have quit parkour after that. There were scars on my buttcheeks — it was like the red ring of death on my ass. I think that was maybe one of the experiences that made me step back because I haven’t been pushing that hard recently.

This is by far the worst — for sure the worst nut busting experience I have ever had. This time I actually thought that I was going to have testicular cancer, or I popped this shit like a grape or something. I was actually afraid. All the other times, yeah it hurt, but I was able to get the fuck back up and keep doing what I was doing. This time I was done. I was just like, nope, I need to go home. So I was doing this rail slide because rail slides are kind of cool, they do those in rollerblading, and I thought I could do those on my feet. So I’ve done a few before without actually falling on my nuts, but this time, I guess it had just been a while since the last time I’ve done it. So I began prepping it by using my hand during the slide, and I think it was actually the very first time that I actually tried without touching my hands, but one of my feet just wasn’t in the right spot, and I just fucking slipped off.  I turned and fell straight down on to my left nut, but because it was an angled rail, I kept moving. My nut gets pushed forward as I’m moving down, gets steamrolled over, and then the rest of the grind down the rail is just on my taint until I hit the bottom. It wasn’t a long rail, but that shit felt long as fuck.

Photo © Andrew Obeneder
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